Halfbaked
by HawaiianCaffeine
Summary: Oneshot series about the misadventures of being Draco Malfoy. Somehow, his revenge strategies never seem to work out quite right...  xXx light hearted & Dramione & Drabble xXx
1. Ch1: War

Title: HalfBaked

Chapter 1: War

Pairing: Dramione

Genre: Humor/Romance

Summary: Drabble series about the misadventures of being Draco Malfoy

A/N: Ideas for prank chapters welcome! Pranks don't exactly come naturally to me, lol. All of the chapters ARE meant to be short. It's not a mistake. I got the idea from Forthright :) She has an amazing way with turning phrases and compaction. I have no such skill. But here's my best shot :) Review Please.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

_War_

"Watch out—big bad Potter might use his '_special super hero ego' _power of self-righteousness and _utter_ _failure_ at life to annihilate the whole classroom."

Harry grunted while trying to contain the ever-growing swirling mass of goo within his cauldron. Of course, he would make the most spectacular mistake in _Potions_, where Snape enjoyed the torture of the young (mostly) innocent Gryffindor's.

Hermione cringed at the gigantic mess. Harry wasn't _horrible_ at potions, but he wasn't an expert either. Since this had been a particularly difficult potion, Hermione had been more than willing to help. Unfortunately, Snape, The Eater Of Gryffindor Souls (especially Harry Potter's soul) split the trio away from each other. Their professor seemed content to watch the scene degenerate into absolute chaos expressionlessly. Obviously he wouldn't feel the need to help since Potter _failing_ _outstandingly_ was his only joy in life. Any aid she might give him would only deduct points from their House. Hermione seethed.

"Planning on not killing us _today_, Potter?"

Oh, yes. And she was paired with _the_ Draco Malfoy himself.

Gritting her teeth at Malfoy's obnoxious voice, Hermione retorted, "With all of that hair gel, I'm surprised you don't die _every day_ from the toxic fumes yourself, _Malfoy_."

Cold eyes narrowed on the fuzzy-headed figure standing next to him. _Oh, hell no_. You can ridicule his play in Quidditch, you can make fun of his pampered lifestyle and delicate skin, you can mock his well-manicured nails, and you could even scorn his cowardly—cough, cough—_tactical_ retreats. But to make fun of his hair gel—by the one woman in the world whose hair has probably never even seen the _light _of _conditioner_? _Intolerable_.

Draco flashed his ultra—that-can't-be-natural—white teeth at Hermione.

"_Challenge accepted_, Granger. May the battles commence."


	2. Ch2: Redhanded

Title: Half-Baked

Chapter 2: Red-handed

Pairing: Dramione

Genre: Humor/Romance

Summary: Drabble series about the misadventures of being Draco Malfoy

A/N: Ideas for future chapters welcome!

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter

_Red-handed_

_I'll show her toxic fumes!_

It was midnight and Draco was back in the Potions classroom, concocting the most acidic mixture he could think of at the moment. Quickly scanning the book, he reached for the nearest bottle, wormwood, to complete his dastardly plan. So the Mudblood dare make fun of his _perfect_ hair? Well, he'd ruin her _perfect_ books.

"_Draco_," a drawled, monotone, voice called out from the entrance of the classroom.

Malfoy froze with the vial in hand, its contents teetering dangerous out and into the potion.

"Unless you want to blow up the school, that wormwood should remain _outside_ the potion." Snape's sardonic look caught him as Draco flinched away from the potion, vial tightly clutched in a fist.

"Professor—I—"

Snape sighed, "Come here, you silly boy. I'll show you how to make a real acidic potion which will _not only_ ruin the object, but also make the room smell like dungbombs."

While Draco's slightly mistaken actions were whisked away with a wand and replaced by a new, viler, looking potion, Malfoy gaped at his professor and _Head_ of _House_.

Snape raised an eyebrow.

"I'm Head of the _Slytherin_ House for a reason, Draco. Pranks are in our _blood_."

Draco reflected on this other aspect of blood he had never considered before. His chest swelled with pride. Filing away this information for future reference, Draco listened for once and took a lesson from the best prankster his House had to offer.


	3. Ch3: Mishaps

Title: HalfBaked

Chapter 3: Mishaps

Pairing: Dramione

Summary: Drabble series about the misadventures of being Draco Malfoy

A/N: Ideas for future chapters welcome! This one is actually longer than I intended… but review please!

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter

_Mishaps_

Draco Malfoy crept outside the castle. It was fortunate that it was Thanksgiving holiday; otherwise, he would have no clue how to get into Hermione's room unnoticed. As it was, he figured this was rather a good plan, if he did say so himself (and he did!). He made sure all the girls were gone for vacation before attempting this,

Mounting his broom, Draco tightened his scarf. It was such a pain to be so pale that even in complete darkness, his skin glowed naturally. It was a pain in the arse when trying to exact vengeance, anyway.

Huffing at the indignity of hiding his beautiful—er, _handsome_ (because that's _manlier_)—looks, he kicked off the ground, his blonde locks were swept up and away as he rushed into the air, rising up, up, and up. It was a long way up, of course, to reach the girl Gryffindor dormitory.

_And people thought he wasn't any good at retributive punishment. Pah. He was a _genius_. _Even he knew getting into the girl's room would be impossible because of the automatic sliding staircase, refusing any hormonal boy entrance—which was why he was taking the _outside_ entrance. Of course, he knew this from personal experience followed by an especially bad knock to the head. _It wasn't a shallow or short fall either._

When he reached the top, Draco hovered around the window, considering the window latch.

Pulling out his wand, he whispered, _Alohomora_. Draco blinked.

Nothing.

Gray eyes glared, daring the lock to refuse him entrance after all this work. He whispered a stronger unlocking charm.

Nothing. Swearing, Draco stabbed at the window, blinded by anger. _"Stupid, son of a—"_

_Click_.

His eyebrows shot up in surprise. Knocking the window had jostled it enough for the latch to open of its own accord. What were the odds? Draco shrugged. Who was he to argue with luck?

Swinging the window open, he quickly entered the room with no problems. Usually, there would be a barrier that would keep homicidal maniac out. Fortunately, he was a student, and Snape had given him a draught that combated the spell. Another piece of information he stored away for later—I mean, what straight male wouldn't want a potion that would let him into the _girl's dormitory_?

Draco dismounted his broom and stepped down onto the carpet. He had just risen to a new _level_ of coolness. Not only was he in the girl's dormitory, but he was in the _Gryffindor's_ girl dormitory. He felt like he needed a metal or something.

_Smack_.

Malfoy clutched his injured head. He swore at the low ceilings. Who in the hell decided it would be okay to make the girl's room at such a height. _What, did none of these girls ever become taller than 5 foot 7?_

Snarling back a disgruntled noise, he rubbed his forehead and started to look around_. Where does she sleep, where does she sleep, where does she… ah. _Look for the place at the pinnacle of order, books piled high, not a crease in sight. He silently slipped out a rather large bottle containing the acid before turning back to Granger's bed.

Draco stepped forward curiously. So this is where the bookworm hides…

_Yes, yes,_ he knew he was really only there to destroy her books, but this opportunity was just too great to leave without a better look. Besides, _know thy enemy_ and all that jazz, right?

Draco bent his knees and crouched down next to her backpack. As he started to inquisitively toss through her organized junk, he came to a conclusion. Hermione Granger was as orderly, innocent, and _boring_ as she presented herself to be in public. Damn it, he thought he could get some good dirt on her. _Not even a journal to speak of!_ How tragic for him.

Sniffing indignantly, he turned toward her dresser drawer. _She's got to have some personal items in here, at _least_!_ He crinkled his nose when all he found were more books. Tossing them over his shoulder onto the pile of other books stacked neatly beside her bed, he yanked the last drawer. His eyebrows rose in surprise. She left some of her _clothes_ here? He tossed around the contents, before his eyebrows rose even higher as he held up a particular piece of clothing. She left her _knickers_ here?

_Lacy pink and black drawers_ _were not what I expected for someone so uptight like Granger. _Guess it's true about repressed bookworms…

_SLAM!_

Draco turned toward the door of the dormitory violently, causing him to slip, fall back on the gigantic mess he made, and smack the back of his head onto the dresser. What in the hell was he supposed to say to being caught like this? ?_ No, I wasn't checking out your underwear_ (which he totally was). _What I my real goal was far worse—melting your books into oblivion._ _Great, Draco, great… once again, you've screwed things up._ Of course Granger would return for something forgotten (probably the provocative knickers) and walk in when…

A lofty voice reached him, "Is it normal for boys to be in the girl's dormitory during a holiday vacation?"

Draco winced, and then opened his eyes when he realized who it was.

"What are you doing in the Gryffindor's dormitory anyway, Loon—_cough_, Lovegood?"

Draco attempted to not glare at the ridiculous sight of the pale haired Loony Lovegood wearing overalls, different colored socks, different colored shoes, and some giant –what-the-hell-is-that— in her hair.

Her eyebrows shot up. "I'm here because one of the girl's stole my radish earrings—and I'm afraid I'll be needing them back before I leave for Thanksgiving."

Draco's forehead creased from the pounding headache he was receiving, "Raddish…?"

Sweetly she explained, "Oh, yes! I need them to keep away the Snorkleblats."

Malfoy held his tongue on his opinion of "Snorkleblats."

"My question is, however, why are you here?"

Draco thought fast.

"I'm not here. I'm an allusion."

Luna's eyebrows lifted, "Really?"

Draco willed himself to believe it just so she would. "Ah, yes. The Snorkebats—"

"Snorkleblats," she corrected.

He waved, "Yeah, they have that effect when you don't have your… er, radishes to fight them off."

Comprehension dawned, "Ah—of, course! Why didn't I see it before? You're absolutely correct."

Draco sighed with relief.

"However, I think I might have to warn a professor that there's a Snorkleblat wondering around the Gryffindor's girl dormitory as Draco Malfoy. I mean, I wouldn't want him to get into trouble, after all."

Draco's insides panicked. Squeakily he said, "I don't think that would be necessary Luna…"

Airly she replied, "But of course it is. Only doing the right thing, of course. As soon as I find my radishes, I'll alert Professor McGonagall."

"McGonagall?" His voice squeaked higher in fear.

"Yes, yes. It is her House after all… just a moment… I think I need to powder my nose and then I'll get right to work."

Draco's eye bugged out as she loftily made her way into the girl's restroom. _I've got to get out of here and beat her to that old witch!_

Thanking any God out there would might control bladder functions, Draco hopped on his broom and jetted out of there.

_Luna's weirdness has either save my skin, or is about to burn it to a crisp! McGonagall, of all the professors! S_he would eat him alive!_ Even Snape wouldn't be able to stop her._

Not long after descent, he dangerously landed onto the hard, cool, ground, and rolled onto his long legs. Finally, a good use for being tall! _Thank you growth spurt for kicking in when I was 17 years old!_ The extra height is always _handy_. Draco sprinted toward the entrance. Just as he was about to yank the doors open, he heard the death knell—the creak of Filch's lantern, followed by the meow of his cat, Mrs. Norris. Was the universe against him today?

He skidded to a halt, waited a few seconds of eternity for Filch to pass, then swept into the castle without another word. _Hurry, hurry, hurry…_

He sprinted faster toward the professor's office. He was huffing and puffing when he rounded the corner to find Lovegood already 3 feet from the door. _Oh, hell no!_ He braces his legs and pushed harder, making the two of them accidentally collide. _Loudly_.

Draco winced as the door opened to reveal McGonagall's shocked face. While Draco and Luna tried to untangle themselves, Draco fearfully started, "Professor, I can explain—"

McGonagall's hand went up which silenced him. "I do not want to know the details, Mr. Malfoy. Although I am _surprised_, I am a well-experienced woman, and I know _love_ when I see it. I was young once…" A dreamy expression stole her visage.

This struck Draco speechless.

The dreamy expression passed, "But! It is mighty late, and passed curfew. You know the rules. Get to bed lovebirds."

Luna seemed to take all of this in stride, "Understood Professor." Draco gaped at Luna as she mystically pulled Draco around by the arm and escorted him away from the Professor's sanctuary.

He heard McGonagall call from behind him, "And I _will_ be sending a note to Severus about this—you did break the rules after all." Mortification complete, Malfoy stilled into place like a statue.

Patting his hand, Luna whispered, "Don't worry, I was just walking to my dormitory. I found my radishes and the Snorkleblat left, so there isn't any danger for me to warn the Professor about anymore."

Malfoy felt a little of himself die on the inside.


	4. Ch4: Plan B

Title: HalfBaked

Chapter 4: Plan B

Pairing: Dramione

Summary: Drabble series about the misadventures of being Draco Malfoy

A/N: Ideas for future chapters welcome! This one is actually longer than I intended… but review Please!

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter and Rowling does own it. Not that anyone's surprised here.

_Plan B_

Malfoy wasn't sure if he should curl inside himself or straighten his posture out in pure-blooded pride at the stern look Snape was giving him from across the desk. _Scratch both options, just beg for understanding._

"McGonagall just saw what she wanted to see—I wasn't _actually_—"

He held a hand up, "Save it, Draco." Severus Snape's eyes narrowed dangerously upon his supposed _protégé._

"I am _severely_ disappointed in you." Malfoy flinched as Snape continued, "I give you the perfect potion, opportunity, and plan and you _still_ managed to screw it up."

Draco frowned and crossed his arms childishly. _Hey, now that was a little harsh. _"I know Professor, but _Looney_—" Snape's stone cold stare stopped Malfoy up short.

"No excuses. You know how I _hate_," Snape said _'hate'_ so venomously that there was an unnatural pause in his sentence, "_hate_ excuses." Clearly, he hated them a lot. So what was his (un)_excuse_ the lack of a decent shampoo wash?

Malfoy gritted his perfect teeth before sighing and lowering his head in defeat, "_Fine_."

His professor sighed in accordance with his "thousand years" experience of teaching incompetent students. Snape stood up solemnly, "I know you can do better. You just need to have a_ backup plan _you foolish boy. –Something to do when things go _wrong, _as plans seem to do often around you."

Severus Snape snapped around and marched into his potions closet as if he half-expected this (or wholly expected this) and sorted around for what he wanted. He called out stoically, "I'm afraid I've already used up all the supplies needed to recreate the acid you were _supposed_ to use—the same acid which also had an _expiration date _and the same acid that you _stupidly_ did not use." The professor seemed to find what he was looking for quickly and briskly walked out of his closet to stand behind the desk again, facing Draco. Clearly, the potion had been prepared and waiting, ready on hand.

"However, I do have _this_," Snape held the vial up with his long-and-creepy-fingers for Draco to see.

"But how did you—"

"Of course, Draco. _I_ always have a Plan B."

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note:<em>

_I suppose this chapter looks kind of dumb since it's so short in comparison to the last one, but I just felt like it was a good place to end it. And the chapters are never _meant_ to be long (I just can't always help myself). Plus, I LOVE Snape's character… despite the fact that it's not _his_ story, I think he's still (and always) a key relationship in Malfoy's life anyway. So I'm taking advantage of the situation a little. :) lol, if it were up to me, Snape would still be alive in the books :)_

_Read and review!_

_Hawaiiancaffeine124_

_AKA: alana124pyro_


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